{"id":5781,"date":"2025-12-18T10:42:05","date_gmt":"2025-12-18T10:42:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.vivastreet.co.uk\/blog\/?p=5781"},"modified":"2026-01-19T16:52:16","modified_gmt":"2026-01-19T16:52:16","slug":"one-partner-wants-non-monogamy-the-other-doesnt-what-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.vivastreet.co.uk\/blog\/one-partner-wants-non-monogamy-the-other-doesnt-what-now\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Talk About Opening Up a Relationship: Expert Advice from Ruby Rare"},"content":{"rendered":"

Advice from sex and relationships expert Ruby Rare, author of The Non-Monogamy Playbook, on handling differing desires around opening up.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Bringing up non-monogamy is vulnerable for everyone<\/i> involved. It takes courage to ask for change, and it takes just as much courage to express fear or discomfort. But with compassion, communication, and patience, you can navigate these conversations in a way that honours you both. I wrote a lot on this subject in The Non-Monogamy Playbook<\/a>, and here are some of the key points for you to consider.<\/p>\n

Non-monogamy won\u2019t fix a crumbling foundation<\/b><\/h2>\n

Opening up a relationship can be exciting, expansive, healing, confusing, terrifying – it\u2019s often all of the above. But one thing it can\u2019t<\/i> do is magically fix a relationship that\u2019s already struggling. Before you even think about dating other people, it\u2019s worth slowing down and looking honestly at where you and your partner are starting from.<\/p>\n

Many of us have seen couples try to \u2018level up\u2019 their relationship to avoid addressing deeper issues: moving in together, getting a puppy, getting engaged, anything that feels like progress, but in some cases can function as a distraction. It feels like opening up is becoming a modern addition to this group – a shiny new adventure that temporarily masks problems underneath.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been in non-monogamous relationships for a decade and am a firm believer in how wonderful it can be. But it requires a lot of trust, honest communication, emotional resilience, and a solid baseline of care. If the foundation of your relationship is shaky, opening up usually adds pressure rather than relieving it. And it\u2019s not just about your relationship as a duo – bringing new people into a fragile dynamic can be unfair to them, too.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t about needing a \u2018perfect\u2019 relationship. Every couple has conflicts or unresolved admin. What matters is how<\/i> you handle those tricky moments, and whether you can talk through them with respect and honesty. Before opening up, try to identify any glaring tensions you haven\u2019t addressed. You don\u2019t need every duck in a neat little row, but you do need to know where the cracks are.<\/p>\n

Who usually brings this up?\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

There\u2019s a stereotype that in man-woman \u2018straight presenting\u2019 relationships, it\u2019s always men pushing for non-monogamy. In reality, I\u2019ve seen the opposite far more often: women are also bringing this to the table. I\u2019m aware there\u2019s bias here because I\u2019m living in my queer bubble, but often I see non-monogamy brought up by newly out women who are in a \u2018straight-presenting\u2019 relationship, and wanting to explore that part of themselves. This absolutely happens with men, too, but currently it\u2019s less common. When someone is discovering a new aspect of their sexuality, the desire to open up can feel personal and essential, not frivolous.<\/p>\n

Wherever you\u2019re coming from, it\u2019s worth considering your partner\u2019s headspace as much as your own.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re the partner coming out<\/span><\/h3>\n

First of all, congratulations! Discovering new things about yourself is beautiful and brave – I\u2019m sending a hug your way.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s worth bearing in mind that your partner might be receiving this news much later in your internal journey. You may have been thinking about this for months or years; for them, it\u2019s brand new. Give them some time to catch up.<\/p>\n

It can help to connect with queer friends or online communities where you can process openly, rather than relying solely on your partner to hold all your new feelings. You might also consider other ways your partner can help affirm your sexuality beyond opening up: consuming queer media together, going to queer-friendly events, or exploring fantasy and play within your existing relationship.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re the reluctant partner<\/span><\/h3>\n

Maybe your partner has recently come out as queer and wants to explore. Maybe you\u2019re simply comfy in monogamy and don\u2019t feel a need to change things. Your feelings are valid.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s normal to feel insecure or destabilised when your partner brings up non-monogamy. You might worry you\u2019re no longer enough, or that this is the start of the end. Give yourself time to process and, importantly, find people you can talk to – friends, community spaces, or a therapist with experience working with non-monogamous clients. Don\u2019t keep those feelings bottled up, and don\u2019t tell your partner only what you think they want to hear. They need to understand your authentic feelings so you can navigate this together.<\/p>\n

\"A<\/p>\n

How to start the conversation about non-monogamy<\/b><\/h2>\n

In an ideal world, you\u2019d both have the same thoughts about non-monogamy at the same time, and you’d happily stroll into openness together. In the real world, conversations often begin from different places.<\/p>\n

A mistake I see the initiator make is thinking through the entire concept alone for weeks or months, and then presenting a fully formed plan to their partner, which starts things off with a lot of imbalance: one person is already emotionally invested, while the other is hearing all this for the first time. It can feel like being expected to catch up instantly, which leads to resentment on both sides.<\/p>\n

Instead, bring the conversation up early and gently. Something like: \u201cHey, can I run something by you? I\u2019ve been thinking a bit about non-monogamy, not as a demand but as a curiosity. I\u2019d love to know what you think.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Frame it as an exploration, not a verdict.<\/p>\n

Some practical tips<\/strong><\/em>:<\/span><\/p>\n