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From vanilla to kinky: Discussing your deepest desires in the bedroom

Exploring kinks with your partner can be quite a challenge. If you haven’t explored each other’s sexual desires, spicing up things in the bedroom can become really tricky. However, transitioning from a vanilla sex life to a kinky one isn’t impossible.

In fact, all it takes is open communication and trust between you and your partner.

Now, developing that may take some time, and the process is different for every couple. However, you can rest assured that being able to speak about your sexual desires openly is a liberating experience.

So, let’s break down the process of discussing your kinks and fetishes with your partner and how you can explore these desires safely and consensually. If you’ve been looking to mix things up, you’ve come to the right place.

Keep reading to learn more!

Vanilla vs kinky: What does it mean?

Before we get into changing up your sex life, let’s discuss what vanilla and kinky really mean.

When discussing sex, saying someone is “vanilla” in the bedroom means that they prefer conventional and traditional sex practices. This usually entails staying in simple positions, staying away from certain toys, and sticking to the norm when it comes to sex. Now, what “vanilla” means to you can be subjective. But just because something is “vanilla” for some, it doesn’t mean it can’t be fun.

In fact, the definition of “kinky” is just as subjective as vanilla.  A kinky person is someone who isn’t afraid or seeks out “non-conventional” sexual practices. For some, this could be trying out anal sex, using toys, or bondage. But for others, it could mean group sex, cuckolding, or other practices that others may find taboo.

While people are usually categorised into “vanilla” or “kinky” people when it comes to sex, you should know that sexual desires and preferences are a spectrum, and there’s nothing wrong with either option. You may consider yourself a “vanilla” person normally but want to explore certain sexual acts occasionally. Or, you could consider yourself a “kinky” person but prefer simply vanilla sex with your partner from time to time.

When exploring sexual desires alone or with a partner, you should understand that everything exists on a spectrum, and everyone has unique desires. This is why it’s critical for you and your partner to establish an open and honest line of communication.

That said, if you’re looking to spice things up in the bedroom and try things that are generally considered “kinky”, you should approach the topic gently and slowly.

In the next section, we’ll discuss how you can start talking about your sexual desires with your partner.couple passionately kissing in the bed

The importance of communication in exploring sexuality

The first step in spicing up your sex life with your partner is talking about your desires. We can’t stress how important communication is when developing a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship. This is because you can only understand your partner’s sexual wants and needs if you communicate with them and vice versa. Without communication, you and your partner will be going in blind, making it much harder to satisfy each other sexually.

But when you communicate with each other openly, it’s much easier to bring up the things you may like and dislike. That way, you understand what each of you needs to be satisfied sexually, which results in a much healthier relationship.

Challenges in communicating with your partner openly

While most couples understand the importance of open communication, there are definite barriers, especially when talking about sex. To start, certain cultures have taboos and stigmas around talking about sex, which is why many people feel uncomfortable bringing up anything sexual with their partner.

On top of that, people may also have a fear of judgement and rejection when they bring up their sexual desires. That’s why you must work on speaking with your partner openly. That way, they don’t fear judgment and can freely bring up their sexual needs with you.

Creating a safe space for exploration

Being able to communicate with your partner openly doesn’t happen overnight. This is a slow process that takes a lot of time and effort, especially if you’re currently uncomfortable discussing these desires. While everyone has different needs and communicates them in their own way, there are a few approaches to creating a safe space for sexual exploration:

Establishing trust

To start, you need to establish trust between you and your partner. You should trust that you can talk about anything with each other without being judged or immediately rejected. People can only talk about their desires openly when they feel a certain level of emotional safety, which is why you should work on making sure your partner knows their feelings are valid and you are making an effort to understand them. When you do this, you will start to feel both of you open up to each other more and create a more trustworthy environment.

Tips for creating a judgement-free safe space

The best way to create a safe space for talking about sex with your partner is to practice communication and make sure to understand each other, regardless of what your partner brings up. Again, everyone is different, so it’s important to adjust your approach depending on your and your partner’s comfort. However, here are a few tips to put you on the right path when creating a safe space:

  • Actively listen to your partner
  • Use “I” statements to express desires
  • Affirm your partner’s feelings and thoughts

couple in bed lovingly smiling at each other and holding each others faces

Discussing sexual desires with your partner

Once you finally establish your safe and judgment-free space with your partner, you may have a hard time actually discussing your sexual desires. So, here are a few ways to approach these discussions to make it easier for both parties.

Start with shared interests

The best place to start when trying to spice up your bedroom with your partner is shared interests. When discussing sexual desires, you’re bound to find something that both of you are interested in. If this happens, it’s best to start exploring these interests together, as it gives you a good middle ground to start adding a bit more intensity to the bedroom.

Move slowly

When exploring different interests, there’s nothing wrong with taking it slow. There’s no reason to rush into relatively intense sexual practices that you and your partner may not be used to. So, try starting out with some basic sex acts and gradually making things a bit spicier. Then, you can practice aftercare by talking to each other about the experience afterwards and discussing the things you like and dislike. That way, you can build from there and explore sexuality in a way that’s comfortable for both of you.

The takeaway

There is nothing wrong with preferring a vanilla sex life or wanting to explore the kinkier side of things from time to time. However, doing so with your partner requires constant and open communication that allows you to express yourselves and your needs without being judged. When you do this, not only will it be easier to figure out how to satisfy yourself and your partner, but you can even build a healthier and more satisfying relationship together.

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